For years, I denied that I had an eating disorder. I knew that other people’s perceptions of me didn’t match my own, but clearly they were the ones who were wrong. After all, I was the one with first-hand knowledge. I was just good at hiding the “truth” from others, I figured.
Eventually, years later, I admitted to myself that I had had an eating disorder. However, that was a long time ago—now that I’d gained so much weight, I clearly didn’t have one anymore. I missed it, though, and felt like I should have an ED. I was never ashamed of having been anorexic, but I was ashamed of not being anorexic anymore. It felt like a failure, like I had given in.
Many years after that, when I shared some of my thoughts and feelings with a friend, he convinced me that it made sense to seek help. I worried that they would laugh at me at the initial intake appointment, but the person doing the evaluation was kind and supportive. I explained that I used to have an eating disorder, and that even though my behaviors were fine now, my thoughts were still a struggle. I wanted help with that. When she asked if I was willing to gain weight if that’s what it took to recover, I quickly responded that my primary care provider said my weight was fine, so I didn’t need to gain weight and the question didn’t apply. (I’d already gained so much by that point that I couldn’t imagine gaining more.)
A few days later, the intake person called to say that the group had met and felt that I could benefit from treatment with them. However, in addition to the therapist, I also had to meet with the dietitian. Since I didn’t have an eating disorder or eating disordered behaviors, that seemed silly to me, but I was willing to meet with her if that was the only way to meet with the therapist.
As time progressed and we worked together, I began to notice that some of my behaviors actually were disordered. Most people don’t wake up hungry in the middle of the night? They can serve themselves without guilt? They can eat things even if they know the calorie count? They base getting seconds on their hunger, rather than what they think they should have or what others are having? So I guess I had a bit of an eating disorder still, but it didn’t really count, because I wasn’t thin enough or restricting enough for it to matter.
Eventually, after several more months, I admitted that I actually had an eating disorder. An active, current eating disorder. Not severe (and not severe enough), but definitely present.
My primary care provider and my dietitian said my weight was fine the summer before last, and I kind of believed them. But that was a long time ago, and I know I’ve gained weight since then. It’s not in my head this time. It’s real.
Of course, I’ve said that in the past. And (I think) I’ve been wrong in the past. But it was just so clear a few weeks ago that I had to act.
The good news is that my action, this time, was reaching out for help. Reaching out to a friend and to my primary care provider, both of whom said that I’m fine. I trust them both very much. Their thoughts on the matter aren’t clouded like mine. So until I see what they see myself, I’m going to do my very best to listen to them and to others I can trust.
This time can be different.