*content warning: relapse behaviors*
Two days ago, I went to see my primary care provider, whom I really like. I felt like I had gained some weight, and I was looking for some reassurance that I was still okay. She confirmed that I had gained weight. She said that I was still healthy, but that she understood if I didn’t like being that heavy, and she offered me quite a few suggestions for things to change for “metabolic health”.
I talked to her about the medication, as well, and said that it helped lessen the hold that the ED had on me, but that I worried that I wouldn’t care enough about keeping my weight low. I expected her to be pleased that the ED wasn’t as strong, but she said that they could reduce the dosage on the medication if I thought it was a problem. The ED thinks it’s a problem, but I actually thought it was a good thing… but obviously, she doesn’t agree.
She asked if what she was saying was okay, and I said that it was… I really thought I could handle it. But I can’t. And I don’t want to. Now I’m back to the “good food-bad food” mentality, back to skipping meals and trying to get by on less and less. I don’t have the stamina or energy for as much exercise as I need, but I’ve been doing some every day and I feel compelled to do more and more.
From how she acted and the fact that she was willing to give advice like that to someone who’s struggled with restrictive eating since they were 11, it’s clear that I’ve gained a lot of weight. I need to fix it, and it’s really hard to live with myself right now.
I’m going back to see her in a couple weeks, and I’m bringing a friend with me, both to help me advocate for myself and to hear what she has to say so I don’t twist her words. I’m really appreciative that my friend is willing to do this. But I just really want to lose weight, as much as possible, to show that I am strong and can do this. I want to be ‘perfect’ and to make up for my mistakes.
I’m trying to take some of the suggestions she made but not obsess over them… but it’s so hard. I want to completely eliminate everything she said to limit. I skipped a couple meals because they weren’t what she said I should have, so I just had nothing.
I don’t want to go back to the worst part of my eating disorder, but it seems like letting the ED back in a little bit would be okay and would help me fix things. I don’t want to reach out for help until I can lose some weight. I don’t deserve it until I’m smaller. I’m so bad right now.