Today in group, the dietitian gave us the opportunity to write a little bit about permission. What can we give ourselves permission to do today? What can we give ourselves permission to do in recovery? What gets in the way of giving ourselves permission?
It got me thinking about how I feel so much better when other people get me food, particularly when I don’t have to ask for it. I thought about why that was, and I came up with the following rather complicated inner dialogue, which doesn’t really have a “satisfactory” ending:
If someone gives me food without me having to ask, they are giving me full permission to eat.
If someone gives me food after I ask, they are agreeing to allow me to eat.
If I get food myself, I’m only giving myself permission, and I can’t trust myself.
But maybe I can. Maybe I can trust myself, maybe I only need my own permission.
Maybe, just maybe, I don’t even need anyone’s permission.
Maybe I can eat what my body wants to when my body wants food.
… but I’m scared.
Can I trust that, or is it just an excuse I’m making so I don’t punish myself for eating?
An excuse that I shouldn’t have.
A punishment that I deserve.
Am I tricking others? Am I tricking myself?
I just want to do the “right” thing.
How can I know what that is?