“I’m doing pretty well,” I told my dietitian. “But I have a question. On Recovery Record [the app where I record what I eat so my dietitian can comment and offer suggestions], we’re supposed to record where we are on the hunger/fullness scale before and after each meal. What are we supposed to get to?”
I generally get up to about a 4 (hungry enough to snack) or 5 (neutral) after a meal. I don’t really like 6 (mild fullness) or 7 (satisfied), and the idea of anything past that is pretty terrifying. I kind of had the sense that we were probably supposed to get past a 4 or a 5, but eating until I’m not very hungry seemed like a good plan.
My dietitian responded that it was a good question, and suggested we discuss it in group, since others might have the same question. I agreed.
On Thursday, we went over the hunger/fullness scale and discussed how to know when it was time to eat and when it was time to stop eating. My dietitian said that most times, we should aim for a 7, but that there are exceptions where we might eat more or less, and that we shouldn’t berate ourselves for it.
A 7?? You mean I’m supposed to eat to the point where I’m satisfied instead of just to the point of not being hungry? I thought I was mostly over my habit of restricting, and now I find out that I’m doing it at basically every meal. I was pretty shaken by this.
What would this mean? Would I have to eat almost twice as much as I was? Would I get almost twice as big? The mathematician in me knows that isn’t how it works, but the ED makes me so uncertain and scared.
I decided to try eating to a 7 that evening. Afterwards, I reached out to a friend.
Me: “I’m at a 7 and kind of want to cry.”
Friend: “That’s not how satisfied is supposed to feel”
Me: “I guess I’m doing it wrong, then. I had a lot at lunch and a normal dinner, and I feel like my body doesn’t want more. That’s supposed to be a 7. But feeling satisfied is scary. Hunger is safe.”
Friend: “No, hunger is hunger”
Those words, as simple as they were, really spoke to me. Hunger is hunger. It’s not a terrible punishment I deserve. It’s not a state of being that means I’ve failed at ignoring my hunger or that I’ve succeeded in eating little enough to be hungry.
Hunger is hunger.