Last night, I was having a nice chat with a good friend. Eventually, he said he had to go and to have a good night.
I did what anyone would do—said good night as well and then battled the panic that rose up in me.
I was trying to decide why I react so strongly in general to people leaving suddenly. I feel lonely, rejected, abandoned, and honestly terrified when I’m having a good conversation and someone leaves suddenly.
I think I figured out part of why. When I was in ninth grade, I was on the phone with my best friend and telling him about some really deep stuff that was going on with me. Suddenly, he had to go—he said his mom needed the phone. Instead, he went to tell his mom the things I said, which I understand were pretty scary for a 14-year-old to deal with. I don’t blame him for it. But then his mom forbade us from even talking to each other.
Now when someone leaves, I wonder—did I do something wrong? Are they mad at me? Will I get to talk to them again, or will they abandon me? I got so scared last night, even though I logically understand that it was just time for him to go and that my friend cares about me. He’s not going to abandon me, and even if I do say “the wrong thing”, he can handle it and our friendship can handle it. But that scared little kid inside me doesn’t understand that.
So what do I do? Naming it and realizing what’s going on seems like a good first step. Thinking about it logically and understanding the fear really does help. But I think it’s definitely something I need to talk about in therapy, because I don’t feel like it’s something I can just get over on my own.
Good thing I get to see my therapist tomorrow!