“I haven’t known anyone who has fully embraced recovery while still hoping they’ll lose weight,” my dietitian said.
It really struck me, because while I’m trying to accept this body I have right now, I do still want to lose weight—I want it so much. Along the same lines, I’m terrified of gaining even more weight.
I know my dietitian thinks this is “normal” for my body, but it doesn’t feel normal. I’ve been at a stable weight for 10 years, and then this year, my weight just skyrocketed. As I told my dietitian, I’m trying to accept my body, but I’m still desperately hoping that this is all a “mistake” and this “extra” weight will come off.
How do I give up this hope? I think about it, and I imagine not wanting to lose weight, and then my mind immediately jumps to how great it would be if I could accept my body now but still lose weight.
I pointed out to a friend recently that if I’d lost the amount of weight that I’ve gained, instead of gaining it, I’d probably be in the hospital. That’s worse, right? Worse than being this big? Because sometimes, it just doesn’t feel like it to me.
My annual physical is coming up in less than a week, and I can’t help but compare my body to my body at this time last year. Fortunately, my doctor is extremely understanding and has worked to learn about eating disorders in order to better help me and her other patients. I know she doesn’t see my weight as a problem. But I also know that many other doctors would, and that hurts. I know that my prior primary care provider does, and that really hurts.
So, how do I give up hope? Hope that things will get back to “normal” and that my body will return to something I can dislike but not despise? I just can’t imagine not wanting to lose weight.
Well, I guess that’s why I still see my dietitian weekly and my therapist twice a week!