It’s been a while since I’ve updated—I’ve had a really awful string of migraines and bad headaches that’s lasted about 6 weeks now. I’ve reached out to my Mayo Clinic neurologist and I’m hoping she’ll have some ideas. In the meantime, I’m still struggling, but I’m really excited about my upcoming top surgery!
My consult for the surgery was difficult. I tried explaining briefly to the surgeon that it was really hard for me, both for gender reasons and for ED reasons, and the surgeon was super dismissive. I also then had to convince the surgeon that my desire for this wasn’t prompted by the ED, and I’m currently fighting insurance because they’re saying that my ED makes me not a good candidate (even though I’m basically eating what I need to and I’m in a larger body). I’m cautiously optimistic that my appeal will go through, since my primary care provider used the insurance company’s own language to counter their argument, but it’s still stressful.
My surgery is in 25 days (but who’s counting!?) and I’m trying to prepare as best I can. I’ve been continuing to meet with my therapist and dietitian to talk about things, and I’m also dealing with the practical side (getting button-up shirts, etc.). To make room for the new shirts, I’m getting rid of some of my old shirts and jeans that I don’t think will ever fit again. I can acknowledge that some of them were from when I was maybe a little too small, but it’s still hard.
I’m still hanging on to the in-between sizes in hopes that I’ll get back there. I’m not sure if that makes sense or not, but I’m going to do so at least until I find out whether the insulin resistance is clearing up. That’s another stressor—I’m getting my insulin levels rechecked in a week, and I’m terrified that they won’t be better. What if it isn’t the medication? What if it’s just my body?
I’m trying to remember what I said in my last post, and to remember that regardless of what it’s doing, my body isn’t bad. It’s just doing its thing, and I need to support it. It still feels like a betrayal, though. How can my body “want” to be so big?