My aunt posted something on Facebook that included the following quote, and it really made me think.
“People who are healthy like to believe they can always keep being healthy if they do the right things. They don’t want to think about how good people get struck with terrible circumstances for no reason. So they keep assuming that if they got sick, they could do something to make it better. And if you’re still sick, that must mean you’ve done something wrong or not done enough.”
https://takealookatyourlife.tumblr.com/post/182634188819/queeranarchism-atalantapendrag-squidsqueen/amp
I realize now that I felt the same way about my size. I felt like I was relatively small (though never small enough) because I restricted my food intake. I knew I restricted a little too much, but I figured that if people wanted to lose weight, they could just eat a little less and it would happen. I felt like I was good about not judging someone on their size, but I still had that underlying assumption that people could “control” their weight if they wanted to.
Then I started gaining a lot of weight even though I was still restricting and eating the same, and even though my exercise hadn’t really changed. It took over a year before we figured out which medication was causing the problem, and several months later, after being off the medication, I’m still waiting for my insulin levels to go down to normal. They’ve gone down significantly, but they were so high that they’re still a bit above normal. I’m hoping my weight will drop once the insulin levels get back to normal, but there’s no guarantee. I gained so much weight, and there was nothing I could do about it. Restricting more didn’t help, exercising more didn’t help– it was just beyond my control.
It was an awful and terrifying experience for someone who has been afraid of weight gain their whole life, and I’m still really struggling, but it was eye-opening. I have a much better understanding now of the experiences of so many people. While I realize most people aren’t struggling with both anorexia and drastic weight gain simultaneously, it still helped me “get it” in a way that I just didn’t before.
I realized that I made assumptions about people’s eating habits that 1) had no basis in fact and 2) weren’t things that were my business anyway. It was hard to confront these beliefs, because I’ve thought for so long that I’m understanding and judgment-free. But it’s pretty hard to be anorexic and not have some implicit bias with regards to weight! For that matter, I think just about everyone does, regardless of their eating habits, body size, and eating disorder or lack thereof.
I’ve had so much support over this past year– over many years, really, but especially this last year where my weight felt completely out of control. I see my therapist, who specializes in eating disorders, twice a week, and my dietitian once a week. My friends and family who are up for talking about it have been amazing, too. I feel so fortunate to have had support through these things I never thought I could manage.
I can’t say that I’m happy this happened to me, but I definitely see a huge silver lining. While I still really struggle with beliefs about my own body and how I should eat and look, I’m very happy that I’ve gotten the chance to really examine my beliefs, most of which were subconscious, and to be a better friend and advocate for people of all sizes. Now to work on being a better friend to myself!