I recently had the (admittedly disordered) thought that everybody must be disgusted by my body. I see this for the black-and-white thinking that it is. Even if nobody thinks my body is “good”, there’s a whole spectrum of other possibilities. Realistically, I know that most people probably have neutral opinions. I like to think that I don’t judge other people’s bodies, so why do I feel they must judge mine?
Still, I decided to explore this thought further. Suppose for the moment that it’s true, and everybody is disgusted by my body. Why would that be such a problem?
Do I worry that people would abandon me? Those who love me already love me, and that love hasn’t wavered as I’ve gained weight. While I certainly don’t want my loved ones to hate my body, even if they did, that hasn’t stopped them from being wonderful people to me.
Do I worry that I’d cause people distress? I felt this might be it for a while, until I realized that if people hated my body because they felt I was too thin, I wouldn’t have the same problem I do now. I wouldn’t want people to worry about me medically, and I suppose I wouldn’t want to be at a dangerously low weight. If it were just aesthetics that people had an issue with, though, I don’t think I’d see a real problem there.
Do I worry that I’m letting people down? This seems like it might ring true. While I know most people don’t care what I look like, I guess I do feel like there are some people who would be proud of me if I lost weight.
This realization angers me, honestly, and I don’t get angry often. I don’t feel that anger on my own behalf, though I think I’d like to. Rather, I’m upset with society for teaching that fat is bad and that people in larger bodies are less deserving than people in smaller bodies. I’m upset on behalf of others who feel the effects of those beliefs, but I struggle to see that I, too, don’t deserve to be hurt by those beliefs.
I don’t want people to be proud of me for losing weight, or to be disappointed in me if I don’t. Maybe part of healing is realizing that some people wouldn’t be. Maybe part of healing is realizing that some people would be, but that those people are victims of the same mentality I mentioned above. It’s hard to escape the cultural bias that’s around us.
And right now, I would be proud of myself if I lost weight, though I know I could never lose enough to be happy. And I would be disappointed if I didn’t lose weight. I don’t want to feel this way!
I’ve feared for so long that if I give up my self-loathing when it comes to my body, I will constantly overeat and continue to gain weight. While I have gained weight recently, I know that it wasn’t due to “overeating”, whatever that might mean. I still struggle with even the idea of being full, and even if I were to somehow completely let go of my habit of restricting, that doesn’t mean I’d suddenly want to eat until I’m overly full. That doesn’t mean my weight would spiral out of control.
Then a part of me says that it already has, and it’s hard to deny that. If it’s out of my control even now, when I still restrict, how much worse could things be if I didn’t restrict? How can I give my body a chance to self-regulate without me trying to manipulate my body, when it’s already shown that it can’t be trusted?
I’m feeling a bit stuck right now. As my therapist said yesterday, however, recovery is a complex thing. While I may think some of the same thoughts I’ve had before, I’m seeing them with a different lens. I’m not truly in the same place I was before, and while I may struggle to answer some of these questions, at least I’m asking them.