Content Warning: This post has a very brief mention of thoughts of suicide from many years ago. It was only a vague thought at the time, and it’s long gone.
I’ve always been motivated by many things, including grades. I was so proud when I came home from school with As. In second grade, we even got ribbons in each report card. I’d open up my report card and see my blue ribbon for straight As, and I knew I had done a good job. I even got 50 cents for every A!
One time, though, I opened it up and there was a red ribbon. I had gotten a B. (I think it was in handwriting? And given that the teacher was forcing me to use only my right hand, I’m not entirely sure it was deserved.)
I was so ashamed, and I felt like I had let everyone down. My parents were supportive, and I even got the usual money for the As and 25 cents for that B, but I knew I hadn’t done quite as good a job as I should have.
When I was at my smallest, I felt like I had that red ribbon. Maybe I even had an A in “being thin”, but I wanted the A+. Yes, I was somewhat small, but it wasn’t enough. Every “milestone” I passed on my way down was going to be the last one, but I always found a further one. I remember my exact lowest weight, which was a milestone I was aiming for, and I was only two pounds away from my “final” milestone (this time it would really be the final one). I never made it, and I still feel a small sense of shame about that. Maybe that would have been enough.
As I recovered, I realized I had dropped to perhaps a B in “being thin”. People thought I was thin, but it definitely wasn’t nearly thin enough. I supposed I could live with it, and I did for many years, right up until about a year and a half ago. While I wanted that A, that A+, I balanced my desire to “improve” with my desire to have energy to do things I wanted to do.
After this past year and a half, I know I’m at an F. I never thought I’d get this “bad”. I’m so ashamed, and while I don’t know my weight, I know I’ve passed all the limits I ever set for myself, even the one I set many, many years ago when I decided I would kill myself if I ever passed it. It was such a high number that I knew I would be safe and never have to actually worry about it. But I know I’m past it now.
I haven’t seen a number for my weight for about 3 or 4 years, and even then, it was an accident. I think that if I did see the number now, I could possibly kind of manage it. I’ve done a lot of work, and I know it’s just a number. But I’m very glad I don’t have to see. Maybe someday, but I’m not ready today and I won’t be tomorrow!
Back to the grading, though—I recently realized that as much as a part of me wants that A+, that’s not my real goal anymore. My goal is to throw away the rubric. Bodies shouldn’t be graded. My body now is not “worse” than it was (yes it is, yes it is!). All bodies are good bodies.
Maybe there’s more to those participation medals than people seem to think! Maybe we can all get the same color ribbon.