More and more, I find myself identifying and then challenging disordered thoughts. I’ve been proud of how far I’ve come, and I enjoy sharing what feel like real successes.
I noticed, however, that several friends of mine haven’t seemed as enthusiastic as I am. I knew they were supportive of me and of the progress I’m making, so I was confused about what was going on. I asked one friend why he seemed annoyed, and he had a response that was really eye-opening.
“Sometimes I’m fine with acknowledging that you did good countering those thoughts, but I also feel that you have this urge to be good, and if I acknowledge that what you did was good you won’t want to get over needing to tell people about countering those thoughts because if you have the thoughts and counter them then you are getting attention for being good.”
I have always wanted to be “good”. It started when I was a young child and continues now. I want to do everything right. I want people to be happy with me, and when they aren’t, I beat myself up over it.
There’s definitely a lot of perfectionism there, but it’s mixed in with people-pleasing. I want to be accepted and for people to be proud of me, especially my loved ones. It came so easily as a kid. I followed directions and excelled academically, and I was praised over and over.
When I was 11 and started losing weight from anorexia, reactions were mixed, but I definitely was praised by some people. My math teacher, whom I looked up to so much, saw me and said, “You’ve lost weight and you look great! What’s your secret?” I know now that that was colored by her own struggles with her weight, but I wanted her to be proud of me not just academically, but also in this new way.
Now that I’m an adult, it’s harder to find ways to make people proud of me. Losing weight might draw praise from some, but I’m very transparent about my eating disorder. Those who know me well know better than to comment on any weight changes.
Because most people who know me know about my struggles with anorexia, however, I’ve felt the need to find new ways to make people proud of me.
I realize while writing this that the very phrase of wanting to “make people proud of me” is problematic. I can’t and shouldn’t tell others how they should feel about me and my actions. They might be proud of me, but that isn’t something I should try to force. It isn’t something I should feel like I need.
I also realized after seeing my friend’s comment that now my identity, which means so much to me, is no longer that I’m a person with anorexia. I’m a person recovering (slowly) from anorexia. A person fighting anorexia.
And I’m looking for praise on that front. Look how I fight these thoughts. Watch me as I do things that are hard for me, disobeying the eating disorder’s commands.
While the behaviors are healthy, the need for approval is not.
I want to be someone who can eat because I need to, and not because it will both fuel my body and make other people happy.
I want to fight these disordered thoughts and share some of them, but not all. I want that internal knowledge that I’m making the right choice, instead of always seeking external validation.
I used to seek permission/approval to eat, and I still do at times. But perhaps pointing out how I fight the thoughts is an avenue for doing something similar.
Look at the disordered thought I had and my response (and confirm that my response was correct).
Watch how I eat when my body says to (and tell me that I made the right choice).
Eating food without telling someone that I’ve eaten feels so wrong. I feel like I’m lying, like I’m sneaking food—such a shameful thing. I have to “admit” that I’m eating. I can celebrate it, even, with someone else. But someone has to know.
Originally, my RecoveryRecord app where I tracked my food and my thoughts about food, was very helpful. It eventually became a crutch. This is where I can confess what I’ve eaten. Here’s how I can make sure that someone is watching what I do. While I didn’t expect my dietitian to tell me that what I was doing was wrong, it still helped to have that person looking over my food intake. Someone knows what I’ve done, whether it’s “wrong” or “right”, “healthy” or “unhealthy”.
Switching to just recording thoughts has been hard. I have had snacks that I haven’t mentioned to anyone, but it’s such a challenge. The only person watching over my intake is me. Even though nobody was going to tell me that I was eating too much, without someone looking over my shoulder, I feel the desire to restrict even more. I need to make sure I’m “safe”.
So I tell people when I’m not restricting. That way, I don’t feel alone. When I want to skip a snack, but I have one instead. When I ask for seconds because I know I need them. Look at me and how I’m fighting these thoughts. And while you’re at it, please make sure I’m fighting them in the right way. Make sure you agree with my food choices, at least enough to not tell me I’m doing something wrong.
Also, know that I’m eating in order to fight the disorder. Not just because I need it, but because I need it to recover.
In other words, I’m again looking for both permission and praise as I fight this disorder, and I’m justifying my eating habits since they’re for recovery and not just for me.
I think some praise is helpful, but I want to get to the point where need it less and less. Or more accurately, I suppose, where I can praise myself. Where I can recognize that I did the right thing and know it myself—I don’t need to share that every single time.
I worry that by sharing this piece, I will lose support. I want that attention and praise and encouragement. I feel like I still need some, but maybe less than I’m looking for now. My therapist pointed out that when I give up dependence, that doesn’t mean I lose support. But I’m still afraid that people will read this and support me less. I don’t want to be alone.
Maybe they can support me in different ways, though. Maybe we can talk about other aspects of life. While the eating disorder is still a major player in my life, maybe we can shift the focus away from it and towards other things that I care about.
Right now, I see myself as a person fighting anorexia, and that’s how I want to be seen by others. It makes me feel strong to be making choices that are leading me away from this disorder. But how can I give up the disorder if I want to be actively fighting it?
What if I were just a person? Not a person with anorexia, not a person fighting anorexia. Just a person.