For as long as I can remember, I’ve had some intense fears. Fears of being too big, fears of gaining weight, fears of eating too much, fears of being too much.
If I break it down further, I start seeing other patterns. I’m afraid of getting bigger because I associate that with the loss of attention when my sister was born. I’m afraid of gaining weight because my parents talked so much about their efforts to lose weight. I’m afraid of eating too much because I could please people by giving away some of my food to them. I’m afraid of being too much because… well, because I have been too much for some.
I know my support team, professional and personal, is solid. They are on my side and want what’s best for me, and they’re willing to stick with me even when I struggle. They suggest but never push, and they’re willing to walk beside me with no judgment, even if I meander a bit on my way towards recovery.
I still sometimes flash back, though, to times when people haven’t been on my side. When mentioning suicidal thoughts scared people away and they left forever. I know that won’t happen here, but it hurt to have people leave me when I was so vulnerable.
And I think maybe that’s the real issue. I tied abandonment, or at least less caring and attention, into being “big”. If I’m small enough, sick enough, then people will stay.
But I don’t want people staying with me just because I’m small or sick or they think I can’t manage without them. I want people to stay because they want to stay.
My size won’t change that. “My” people don’t stay with me because of physical characteristics or weakness or strength or what I eat or don’t eat. They stay with me because I’m me, and for whatever reason, they care about me.
I have been “too much” for some people, but I can trust my team now. Those who help me professionally and personally want to be here with me. They won’t get scared off with my problems, physical or emotional, or at least they’ll work through that and then come back to me. I can share and let them create boundaries when they need to. I don’t have to second-guess.
I worry about hurting or scaring people with my problems or with my body. I almost apologized to my physical therapist for having to work with someone my size. But that’s my stuff, not hers. Not anyone else’s, really. People aren’t hurt by my existence or my body or my issues, and they won’t leave me because of them.
Yes, I’ve been abandoned by a few people, but that was before. I don’t want to bring that fear into new relationships. I want to trust, and I do.
“My” people are here for me.