Being Proud of Not Noticing Something

Content Warning: Mention of Specific Foods

I had an unplanned lunch with my friend yesterday— his house is about a 3-minute walk from my office. 

We talked and then thought about lunch. He had a yogurt I could have, and I asked what he wanted. He said nothing at first, but I gently pushed and he said he’d have a bagel with cream cheese.

He had pineapple cream cheese in his fridge, which I said sounded really unusual. He asked if I wanted to try some, but I haven’t had cream cheese on a bagel since I was 11. I had convinced myself for all those years I didn’t like it, that I didn’t want it. Why would I add calories to something if I could avoid it?

I agreed and added the tiniest bit to a bite’s worth of bagel. He pointed out that I wouldn’t even taste the tiny amount I’d put on, so I added more- probably 3 times what I started with, but honestly still not much. And I took a bite, and I liked it. It was kind of scary, really hard to admit it. But it was good.

I put some on a bigger portion of the bagel, but still lightly. I got nervous if the knife showed “a lot”, so I kept wiping some off the side, even if that meant I needed to use the knife more times. It was intimidating, but I had support.

I ate more slowly than I thought I would, because it felt so challenging, and I needed to get back to my office for my 1:30 with my therapist. I hate being late.

But I had the feeling that it was better to be a few minutes late than to leave part of my lunch uneaten. I texted my therapist and said I’d be late, and he was of course very supportive. Then I thought and realized I could meet him on my phone while I was there, so I asked my friend and he said that was fine.

I hung out there talking to my therapist, and I eventually finished the bagel. My friend and I stretched a bit and I headed out. Things felt great.

Late last night, while falling asleep, I was thinking about it. At that point, I realized I’d had strictly more than he had. We both had a bagel with cream cheese, but I also had the yogurt.

I felt incredibly proud that I hadn’t noticed in the moment. That’s HUGE for me. I wasn’t comparing, I wasn’t artificially limiting my intake based on his. I. Didn’t. Even. Notice.

And when I did realize, it was okay. I don’t have to restrict based on what other people eat. I felt proud then, and I still feel proud. Things feel pretty great.