I’ve been contemplating a name change for a while. For a long time, I argued that my name was a nonbinary name because I was nonbinary. And that’s still true—any name can belong to any person of any gender.
But I could see when people made the connection. This person must be a woman, because of “her” name. Wrong, but I was just getting so tired of feeling like I had to prove myself to overcome the assumptions people made due to my name.
Besides, more and more, I found myself leaning towards the transmasc side of nonbinary. I finally decided to start using they/he, and then he/they, but nobody used “he” for me. Everyone opted for “they”, maybe because it’s easier or more familiar or closer to what they expected.
So now I’m using he/him pronouns. I still don’t hear them all that often, but it feels great when I do.
The same was true for my hair. It seems like the only way someone can be read as a man with long hair is if they have facial hair, and I don’t want that. So I finally have my hair cut short, and I love it. It’s so much easier to take care of, too!
For the first time, I’ve been addressed as “Mr.”—still not the correct title, since I have a doctorate, but SO much better than Mrs.
When my youngest wants to babysit my “kids” (her stuffed animals), she asks if I’m their dad. When she has “kids” (her stuffed animals), I’m their grandpa.
When I checked my oldest kid in at the hospital, the person checking in verified that emergency contacts included “their other dad”, since I’m listed as their father now.
With plane trips coming up, I need to figure out when I’m going to change my name, but I’d like to do it soon. I need wheelchair assistance and it’s tough when my name and face and gender don’t line all up for the screeners and wheelchair pushers.
I haven’t decided if I’ve given up nonbinary as a label—I don’t think I have. I don’t think I will, but no promises.
As I see it, though, I’m still not one of two options. I’m not in a monolithic category where everyone is the same. I’m a guy. He/him pronouns feel good.
But there are lots of ways to be a guy. I’m still going to do gender “my way”.