*content warning: relapse behaviors*
It’s been a week since I met with my primary care provider (check out my previous post, “I was right”, for details). I had some friends reach out to me after my post, which felt really good, and it helped give me the confidence to tell my ED therapist that I was having an ED crisis. In some ways, it doesn’t seem that bad, but this is an abrupt change and more severe than things have been in a long time.
I wasn’t scheduled to meet with my therapist until Friday (tomorrow), but she was able to see me on Monday, and we’ll keep the Friday appointment, too. We had a great conversation, and I realized just how hurt I felt by the events with my primary care provider. I’m really tempted to try to lose a significant amount of weight, not just because I don’t want to be so heavy, but also to show how hurt I am and to make this pain tangible. I feel abandoned by my provider whom I trusted, and even though I know she’s still on my side, I feel lost.
On Monday evening, I reached out to my dietitian and told her I was having a bit of an ED emergency, so we were able to meet on Tuesday. I told her everything, and she pointed out that most providers get very little information on nutrition. The dietitian disagreed with almost everything my provider said, both in terms of my weight and in terms of the specific suggestions my provider made. I have to say that I agree with the dietitian; everything I’ve read has shown the importance of intuitive eating and listening to my body, rather than eliminating foods that are “bad” and replacing them with “good” foods.
Despite our conversation, I still struggled, and I was still really cutting back on what I was eating. Wednesday morning, I noticed that I was having trouble going up the stairs—I just felt sluggish and it felt like it took so much more effort than it normally would. That was helpful; I could feel just how much this was taking out of me. I was tired, too, even though I’d gotten plenty of sleep. I was really surprised at how much it affected me, but I’d been eating probably less than half my usual for a week, so the cause was pretty clear.
Today (Thursday) I did better—I had a real breakfast for the first time in a week, though it was still a bit less than usual, and I ate over half my lunch. Dinner wasn’t very impressive, but I’ve had some snacks since then. I do feel like I’m making progress, but I’m still worried about my next visit with my provider, which is next Tuesday. Based on talking with my therapist and dietitian, I’m going to skip being weighed (even though that means that terrible number, whatever it is, will remain in my chart). But I still feel like the provider will think I’m too heavy and big.
I still want to lose weight, even if I’m trying to be a little more rational and cautious about it than I was at first. It’s just so clear that I need to. I’m really hoping my visit with my provider is helpful and doesn’t trigger me further.