A friend drove me a couple hours to a few intake appointments for Intensive Outpatient (IOP)—the program will be on Zoom, but I had to do a few things in person. My meeting with the nurse went very well, but the psychiatrist meeting was a disaster. She required a weight, even though I had just been weighed, and I heard my approximate weight. When I told her I was having a lot of trouble with that, she said, “Well, what did you think you weighed?” I felt like she thought I was an idiot for not realizing how heavy I am, and it really, really hurt.
I was pretty out of it through the entire meeting with her, because I kept thinking about how high the number was, but I made it through the appointment. I’m not sure what she said to the program about me, but I think my behavior only made it more likely for her to recommend IOP! I’ll start Monday, June 1.
After my intake appointments, I had a meeting with my therapist. She listened and helped me through my experience with the psychiatrist, and then she gently broke the news that the program had decided I needed to see a new therapist while I’m in IOP. I didn’t cry when I learned about what I weighed, though I felt like it, but I did when my therapist said I needed to work with someone else. She and I have had a great therapeutic relationship for almost two years, and losing that seems really hard. I understand that they want me to work with someone who’s still at their center (my therapist switched practices), and I know I can switch back when I’m done, but it’s still tough.
The new therapist that I’m supposed to see hasn’t even started yet, so I’ll stick with my therapist for a couple weeks of the program. I’m hoping that will help with the transition.
I restricted a little bit the day of my appointments, but I talked to a friend and to my dietitian, and both of them pointed out that if I feed my body what it needs regularly, my body will learn that it will get what it needs and might stop holding on to what I feel is “extra”. In other words, giving my body what it needs is the best way to have a stable, healthy weight. Everyone says my weight, even now, isn’t too high—I just know that it is, but I’m trying to live with it and not panic too much. I’m trying to be consistent in my eating, to keep up my exercise, and to trust that my body will figure things out if I give it what it needs.
My dietitian also had me start using Recovery Record (RR) again, an app that lets you track your food intake, as well as information about how hungry you are, how you’re feeling, etc. You can connect it with a dietitian, so they can see what you’re eating and how you’re feeling about it. I’ll need to switch dietitians, too, but I’m hopeful that the new one will be a good fit. I stopped using RR because I was restricting a little because of it (“I don’t want to write that down, so I just won’t eat it”), but I’m trying to be a little better about that.
Lots of changes!