Day Two: Art Therapy

Day two of IOP was interesting.  We had art therapy, which I’ll admit I was kind of skeptical about, though I wanted to try.  I’ve had such a rocky relationship with art that I didn’t see how it could be helpful for me, someone who has never been good at it.  However, I’ve seen so many students who have struggled with math learn to appreciate it.  Shouldn’t I give this the same attempt I want my students to give my classes?

We began by drawing a circle.  My first question was how big the circle should be—should it be large enough to draw things inside it, or a smaller circle?  I kind of anticipated the answer, which was that it was up to me, but I wanted to make sure I was “doing it right”.  I wasn’t sure if I was allowed to trace something, but when I saw the art therapist using something to aid her, I grabbed my cup and used it to attempt to draw a circle.  I tried to trace carefully, but there were a couple of places in the circle that didn’t quite meet up, so I decided to try again, freehand.

I wasn’t really happy with that circle, either, but the first had given me an idea.  The therapist was talking about how we could focus on the inside and the outside, and decorate each of those how we wanted.  However, my piece that I wrote for NAMI recently talks about false dichotomies and how my black-and-white thinking has harmed me in terms of my ED.  I didn’t want to draw a circle, which has a clearly separated inside and outside, so instead, I drew a very slight spiral—it looks like a circle, but the “ends” are maybe a centimeter apart.

As a mathematician, I know that the curve I drew has no inside and outside, because it’s not closed.  We might look at it and try to divide the paper into “inside” and “outside” the curve, but those are false distinctions.

I decided that the curve represented me, and the gap was where I was connected with the world.  How do I draw myself, though, given my poor artistic skills and the fact that I only brought a pen and a pencil?  I decided to shade the curve in segments.  Rather than trying to make a smooth drawing, which I knew I couldn’t accomplish anyway, I thought of each little piece of shading as a piece of me.  The pieces all fit together somehow, but there are many different parts that are all interconnected.

The darker part in the middle represents pieces of myself that I haven’t yet uncovered; maybe pieces that I cannot uncover.  It’s a bit of a “black box” right now, where I just can’t see inside.  But I think that therapy can help me learn more about that inside, and while it will always be somewhat opaque to me, perhaps that dark part will shrink.

I did my best to share my work and explain these thoughts.  My drawing looked incredibly amateurish compared to the other drawings in the class, but I still felt like I got a lot out of it.

Our next task was to draw things we could control and things we couldn’t control.  The therapist suggested a few options, such as using our dominant hand to draw things we could control and using our non-dominant hand to draw things we couldn’t.  However, again, I was struck by the feeling that this was a false dichotomy.  When I brought this up, the therapist’s assistant noted that we can all control our thoughts, feelings, and actions, but I respectfully disagreed.  We have some control over them, but none of those things are completely under our control.  Even our actions can be involuntary—I don’t choose to jerk my leg when my reflexes are tested, and I don’t choose when my heart beats.  On the other hand, I do have some control.  I can tense my leg before the reflex hammer hits my knee and cause the involuntary jerk to be lessened; I can think of something exciting or do some exercises to cause my heart to beat faster.  It’s on a spectrum!

While I pondered this, we were asked to do a “blind drawing”, where we focused on an object and attempted to draw it without looking at the paper.  I found this very frustrating, but I complied.  I think this may have demonstrated a feeling of lack of control.  As I was drawing, however, I got an idea for what I considered the main prompt.

I took my first two circles, one that had been traced and was almost round, and one that had been done freehand.  I placed “my actions”, “my thoughts”, and “my feelings” outside the circles.  Actions were much closer to the controlled circle (but, importantly, not inside it), thoughts a little more neutral, but still much closer to the controlled circle, and feelings a little further from the controlled circle.  I then drew “others’ feelings”, “others’ thoughts”, and “others’ actions” in a symmetric pattern, but closer to the uncontrolled circle.  Each of those six things, I can impact somewhat, but I have a greater impact on myself than others.  I can catch someone as they begin to fall, physically changing their actions.  I can give a compliment, changing someone’s feelings.

I decided to add “human connections” in the middle of the two circles, as a bridge between them.  I then drew straight(ish) lines in the controlled circle, and I used the instructor’s suggestion of my non-dominant hand (well, the hand I wasn’t allowed to write with in 2^nd grade, but that’s another story) to doodle haphazardly in the other.

I explained my drawing, and I talked about how none of the things were completely inside either circle, and that I found that important.  I mentioned my NAMI piece, and the therapist asked if I’d be willing to share it with the group.  I read the first few paragraphs aloud and asked if I should continue, and the group said yes, so I finished the piece.  I read with emotion, and I think it helped the group better understand me.  The therapist even suggested that I perform it and make a video or something, and I might do that once the piece is finalized.  I really like the idea.

Definitely an interesting session.  I’m still not sure if I “did it right”, but I felt like I examined some beliefs I have, and that felt important.