Yesterday, I went to physical therapy for my back and neck. This was the first time the therapist had worked on my mid-back, meaning I needed to exchange my shirt and chest binder for a hospital gown.
When she entered the room again, I was embarrassed, and I wanted to explain.
I wanted to say, “I’m know I’m too big. I’m recovering from anorexia, and my body is out of control.”
Even more, I found myself wanting to apologize to her.
I wanted to say, “I’m sorry I look like this.”
I wanted to say, “I’m sorry you have to work with this body.”
I managed to think about other people, both strangers and friends, who are in larger bodies. Should they apologize? Of course not, and I’m ready to go have words with anyone who says otherwise. (Okay, actually I’m terrified of conflict, so I’m not exactly ready… but I could do it on someone else’s behalf!)
This physical therapist signed up to work with ALL people’s bodies, and I’m sure she does. She has shown no sign of the internalized fatphobia I am working with in terms of myself. Perhaps feeling the need to apologize to her underestimates her.
I can’t say that I’m proud of my body. I’ve never said that, and I certainly can’t now that I’m so much bigger. But maybe I don’t need to apologize for it.