Concerns

We saw my side of the family earlier in the summer, so we wanted to take a trip out to see my spouse’s side of the family.  With my health issues, I wasn’t sure I’d be able to make it, but my spouse was pretty set on the idea, and I thought I’d be okay by the time the trip came around.

After he purchased plane tickets, I started having these extreme highs and lows, as I mentioned in the previous post.  I was really concerned that I wasn’t going to be able to manage the trip, but everyone was so excited.  I didn’t want to let everyone down.

Additionally, my dietitian is thinking I might need a higher level of care.  This was really hard for me to believe, since my behaviors don’t seem that bad, but she’s right that the thoughts have been pretty bad, even before all this mood stuff.  We’re looking into options.  I’m not sure I have the time and energy to spend in a more intensive program, but I guess an assessment probably couldn’t hurt.  I don’t have to take their advice, and maybe they’ll have some thoughts based on the assessment that will help my outpatient providers.

Add in the constant up-and-downs I’ve been having in terms of my mood, and I was even more concerned about the trip.  At first, I was thinking that maybe I could go on the trip and just do my treatment online (whatever it ends up being) but at least be with people for part of the day.  With the extreme lows, though, I didn’t feel like I could necessarily travel anywhere.

I didn’t want to keep everyone else from the trip, so I thought about having them go while I stay behind.  But I absolutely can’t do that right now.  With either the depression or the eating disorder right now, I can’t be alone for a week.  Add in both and there’s just no way.  I’m ashamed that I can’t handle that, but I’m also trying to be realistic.

I mentioned it to a friend, and he suggested that he might be able to come out and stay with me for part of the week, and maybe I could ask another friend for help for the rest of the time.  I didn’t think that my other friend would be up for that, but my first friend encouraged me to at least ask and explore options.  I knew that other friend wouldn’t say yes if he wasn’t up for it, so I felt safe asking since I knew I’d get an honest answer.

I broached the idea, and my other friend said he wasn’t going to help keep me codependent.  I can absolutely see that, and he’s right—I feel like I can’t do anything on my own.  Staying alone for a week when I’m this down is definitely too big of a stretch, but I feel like I should work on relying less on other people somehow.  Just not sure how.

When he said no, I kind of panicked.  I wanted him to say no if he didn’t want to, and I fully expected him to say no.  But when it happened, I felt rejected and like I had permanently messed up our friendship.  My usual reaction is to apologize a million times and beg for forgiveness, but I managed to keep it together, at least in terms of text.  I did start crying, but it wasn’t to the point where I was completely frozen or over-apologizing.  I knew I needed to take a little time before really replying.

The thoughts came, and I tried to identify and counter them.

He thinks I’m not really sick, so I don’t need help.

                He’s definitely said he thinks I’m sick.  He just has a different idea about how to help than my first friend.

He thinks I’m big enough that I could go for a week without really eating, and that I should.

                He knows and has reminded me that everyone at every size needs food.  Even me!

He doesn’t care about me.

                He does.  He’s doing what he thinks is best for me.  Maybe he overestimates my capabilities right now, but it shows that he’s optimistic for my future.

He’s mad at me.

                Maybe?

So I asked if he was mad at me, and he said he was annoyed with the idea.  I was still feeling bad, but he managed to bring a little humor into the situation, which helped a lot.  I told him I could probably pull myself together enough to go, and that I didn’t have to decide now.  The trip isn’t for 2 weeks, and a lot could change.

Thinking back on it once I was out of the moment, I realized a few things.

My friends have very different views on what I need and how to help.  That doesn’t mean either is wrong!  They support me in different ways, and that’s not only okay, but a good thing.

At first, I really regretted that I had asked.  But then I realized that I had learned several things from it.  He’s optimistic about what I can eventually do.  Maybe he thinks I’m stronger than I am right now, but perhaps I could get there some day.

And I’m also glad that he said no instead of saying yes and then regretting it.  It helps to know that he has good boundaries and is working to make sure that our friendship and interactions stay in a place that works well for both of us.

I’m feeling pretty good right now.  And now that we have some meds adjusted and such, I’m much more optimistic about the trip!!  Time to start planning what to pack!