I’ve been seeing counselors for most of my life, but about a year ago, a friend convinced me to seek out specialized help for an eating disorder. I didn’t really feel that I needed much help—I was recovered in terms of my actions, and that’s what matters, right? I wasn’t sure if I would even qualify for their services, but he persisted, did research on places in my area (there’s really only one in the whole state), and helped support me through the process.
I explained to the person doing the intake evaluation that I wasn’t sure I needed much help and that my behaviors and eating patterns were fine, but that I still had some thoughts that were bothersome. She listened patiently, asked a lot of questions, and called me back a few days later saying that they thought I should start their outpatient treatment program.
I tried to meet only with the therapist, but I was told that I had to see the dietitian, as well. I didn’t really see the point, but I reluctantly agreed. When she told me she wanted me to record everything I ate, I almost cried—maybe I even did cry. The thought of doing that was just overwhelming, and I tried to avoid it. The same friend who convinced me to go in the first place pointed out that the dietitian was there to help me, and I could get the most out of things if I went along with it, so I did.
It was really difficult to eat what I needed to when I was writing down everything, but I gradually got used to it and was able to (mostly) follow the meal plan that the dietitian created for me. Recording everything didn’t work well for me, especially once the school year started, but I can admit now that it was helpful at first, to give the dietitian a sense of what I was eating.
Working with the therapist and dietitian, I came to realize that the behaviors and eating patterns that seemed fine had some problems, and that even though I was at a “healthy” weight, I should make some changes in what and how often I ate. I can’t really manage a big meal, so snacks are important for me. While I don’t always have what I need to when I need to, I (and others) feel that I’ve made some real improvements.
I still struggle with ED thoughts, and with restricting behaviors at times, but I feel like I’ve come a long way. That said, the further I go down this road of recovery, the more I realize both that I was pretty far from recovered a year ago and that I’m still not “there” yet. I have a lot of ups and downs, but I hope and plan to continue to make progress.