Today I went to an ice cream party at our kids’ school. I considered having a (“good”) snack ahead of time so I could avoid the ice cream, but I decided instead to ask for just a tiny amount. I didn’t want to set a bad example by asking for too little, but I figured that was a good compromise over not having anything at all. I was worried about having the ice cream but wanted to participate and to be part of things, so I decided that a few bites would be okay. Then we got toward the front of the line, and the adult in front of me passed on the ice cream… so I did, too. I couldn’t bring myself to ask for some when someone else didn’t have any.
On the other hand, a few nights ago, T and a friend both had seconds, so I managed to ask for seconds. I didn’t finish them, but I had some. If either of them hadn’t had seconds, there’s no way I would have had them.
Why do I base my actions on the actions of others? If someone else isn’t hungry, that doesn’t mean I shouldn’t eat! I so naturally use others’ intake as an upper limit for what I should have. I’ve worked on that somewhat, since T snacks more than I do and thus sometimes has less at meals than I know I need, but it’s still very ingrained. Eating when others aren’t eating is hard, and I feel like if someone has less than I do, they’re “better” than me, even though I certainly don’t feel like I’m better than someone else for having less than them.
If someone is bigger than I am, they need more food, since they’re bigger and burn more calories. If they’re smaller, they need more food, because they’re smaller and can “afford” to have more.
If I don’t get much exercise, I shouldn’t have much food, because I didn’t “earn” it. If I do, I shouldn’t have much food, because then I’m undoing all that effort of working out.
These double binds are obviously problematic when I write them out, and it helps to see them and realize that. But can I escape them?