A few days ago, I was in the passenger seat of a car on a long trip. My brother-in-law was driving, and I was fighting a migraine, but just conscious enough to be ashamed of how I looked. I kept my jacket balled up on my lap, even when I got too warm, in the hopes that it would help hide that I’m too big.
Who was I hiding from? Logically, I knew that the driver had his eyes on the road, but what if he glanced over and saw how ‘bad’ I was? What would he think of me?
I suppose I was also partly hiding from myself. I don’t want to see myself like that or to be reminded of my shortcomings. I sometimes think I should force myself to confront the ‘evidence’, whether that’s by paying more attention to my body or by checking my weight. Maybe that would help me lose weight.
However, I also wonder whether hiding like that is essentially lying. I try to be open and honest with people, and I don’t want to trick people into thinking I’m thinner than I actually am. At the same time, I don’t want anyone to know just how big I am. What would they think? What would they say?
I feel like it’s a lose-lose situation. I either trick people or I have people realize how ‘bad’ I am. Then I wonder what could come of the latter—of all of my friends and family, I honestly can’t think of a single one who would like me less or treat me differently if they knew, like I do, that I’m too big. Still, though, I fear people finding out, and hiding sometimes seems the better option.