What’s in a name? A lot, when you choose it yourself!
I decided I liked the name Dev a long time ago. My Hebrew name began with Dev, and Dev felt somewhat masculine, but also familiar. I didn’t think about my middle name at all until someone commented that they liked how I had combined my previous first and middle names, however. That was not intentional! […]
Identity Shift
For some time, I have been trying to determine the cause of my loose joints, which I experience now in my knees, wrists, and ankles. The ankle surgeon told me that my issues were unrelated to my rheumatoid arthritis, meaning that something else was wrong. As I began looking into it, I realized that many […]
Changes: Name, pronouns, and more
I’ve been contemplating a name change for a while. For a long time, I argued that my name was a nonbinary name because I was nonbinary. And that’s still true—any name can belong to any person of any gender. But I could see when people made the connection. This person must be a woman, because […]
Long-Overdue Update
So I’ve been trying to figure out where to start, and I think the answer is an infodump followed up by posts, because SO much has happened. In the past few months: I changed my name at work and elsewhere, and I’m looking into a legal name change I started using he/him pronouns and identifying […]
A new experience
Last week, my daughter was struggling with some big emotions. I brought out two long strings of large packing air cushions, one of her favorite ways to get her anger out, and we threw them at each other. She stole mine and popped them, taunting me with her long string of them while I pretended […]
Clothes
“Maybe you can eventually find clothes that fit and feel comfortable,” my new dietitian says. “Clothes that feel gender-affirming and body-affirming, and that you don’t have to hide in. Maybe you can find clothes that make you feel like you.” Clothes that make me feel good about my appearance? I don’t see how that’s possible. […]
Six Years
Wow—it’s been six years since I came out as non-binary on Facebook! A lot has changed. I use they/them pronouns exclusively and I’m completely “out”—I feel comfortable sharing my identity with everyone, and I very much appreciate it when people correct others in terms of my pronouns or in terms of other words they might […]
Reframe
Earlier today, I hit a real low. I’m not exactly sure what even happened. I felt kind of guilty that I couldn’t go on the hike with Tiff and the kids—my head was just hurting too much. I apologized and I told the kids we could do something together later, and they were really good […]
Being Proud of Not Noticing Something
Content Warning: Mention of Specific Foods I had an unplanned lunch with my friend yesterday— his house is about a 3-minute walk from my office. We talked and then thought about lunch. He had a yogurt I could have, and I asked what he wanted. He said nothing at first, but I gently pushed and […]
Would you still love me?
My weight has started shooting up again, and I’m trying to hang in there until I see the endocrinologist in a week and a half. It’s been hard in a lot of ways, and it’s brought up some stuff. I’ve sometimes asked people I love, both friends and family, if they would still love me […]
Needing a sandwich
Several years ago, I asked a friend how I looked, in terms of my size. He responded, “you look like you need a sandwich.” I felt comforted—I figured that meant he thought I was small enough to deserve to eat. After a few months of gaining weight without knowing the medical cause, I reminded him […]
A shift in perspective
My dietitian is really great—not only has she worked on food with me, but she’s also helped me to find disordered thinking, work through body image issues, and so much more. The other day, she suggested that it might be time to be more aware of my body. I’ve blocked my body out for a […]
Being “safe”
Things have been tough lately, and I’ve been skipping a lot of activities I enjoy, including updates on here. After the assessments last month, we decided that it made the most sense to continue treatment here, with my amazing outpatient team. Both programs suggested intensive outpatient in-person, so I’d go to some state far away […]
Going beyond just countering the disordered thoughts
Content warning: Disordered thoughts, which are eventually resolved Some thoughts from my RecoveryRecord app, which I record my food and my feelings about food in. This starts out not so great, but it ends up good! 8:30 PM I should have a snack, but I’m tired. I am a bit hungry and liking the feeling, […]
Higher Level of Care?
Content Warning: Disordered thoughts, talk of weight changes (no numbers) My dietitian brought up the idea of a higher level of care a couple weeks ago. I pointed out that some of my recent trouble was medication-related, but she said that even my baseline thoughts from before then warranted a higher level of care. At […]
Concerns
We saw my side of the family earlier in the summer, so we wanted to take a trip out to see my spouse’s side of the family. With my health issues, I wasn’t sure I’d be able to make it, but my spouse was pretty set on the idea, and I thought I’d be okay […]
Two New Allergies/Intolerances and a New Diagnosis!
It’s been a tough couple of weeks. The dizziness, constipation, nausea, breathing problems, vision problems, and dry skin seemed like such separate issues, and we couldn’t figure it out. I saw 5 doctors, and we did an MRI/MRV, bloodwork, orthostatic blood pressure (on 3 separate occasions), and the Epley maneuver test. Nothing seemed to work. […]
Comments from another doctor
On Monday, I went to the walk-in clinic. My primary care provider was out of the office for several days, and I needed to be seen. I saw a doctor whom I knew somewhat. While my anorexia (in partial remission) diagnosis is listed in my list of current conditions, I have a lot of conditions, […]
Unexpected trauma
This is the longest post I’ve written, by far, and it contains a number of disordered thoughts, both from a traumatic experience last week and from other experiences throughout my life. I do counter those thoughts and show how I’ve improved in many ways, but this is a post to read with caution (or not […]
Top Surgery Report
I had my top surgery last Thursday, and I’m feeling really good about it. Even though I asked for some anti-nausea meds, I had a surprising amount of nausea. After giving me four different meds, they finally gave up and just let me vomit for several hours, so that was fun. I also had an […]
Mixed Emotions
This is a very long post—so much has happened and so much is happening! I recently went in to have some bloodwork done, and I was extremely nervous. In February, my primary care provider suggested that I start a lose dose of Metformin, thinking that perhaps that would help my body better process food so […]
Update and Excitement about Top Surgery
It’s been a while since I’ve updated—I’ve had a really awful string of migraines and bad headaches that’s lasted about 6 weeks now. I’ve reached out to my Mayo Clinic neurologist and I’m hoping she’ll have some ideas. In the meantime, I’m still struggling, but I’m really excited about my upcoming top surgery! My consult […]
Explanations
With this extreme weight gain that’s happened over the past year, I find myself wanting to explain myself. I want to point out that it’s most likely medication-related, and that we finally (after a year!) figured out the medication (we think) and I’m off it. It’ll take months for my body chemistry to get back […]
I’m Just Me
I recently posted about my work with the word “fat” as a label. I was trying to decide if I could apply it to myself, and I realized something today in therapy that made a lot of sense to me. With gender, I’ve said for a long time that I’m not a man and I’m […]
I Won’t Miss Out on Life
The past year has been a mystery, as we’ve tried to determine what was causing my weight gain. Despite having no major changes in eating or exercise, my weight went up very significantly this past year. For someone who is still struggling with anorexia, this was incredibly hard to deal with. This is the main […]
Top Surgery and a Struggle
I’ve wanted top surgery for a long time, but with the recent (medication-induced??) weight gain, it’s become even more critical. I managed to get support from my spouse, and I have a consult with a surgeon scheduled in mid-April. I’m extremely excited, and I get a smile on my face just thinking about it. I […]
What I want to tell my FORMER dietitian, A
Several months ago, my dietitian whom I loved working with, L, decided to start her own private practice. I planned to move with her, but I was told that I could not continue to work with both my therapist and my dietitian whom I liked so much. I felt torn, as I loved working with […]
Giving up hope
“I haven’t known anyone who has fully embraced recovery while still hoping they’ll lose weight,” my dietitian said. It really struck me, because while I’m trying to accept this body I have right now, I do still want to lose weight—I want it so much. Along the same lines, I’m terrified of gaining even more […]
Apologies
Yesterday, I went to physical therapy for my back and neck. This was the first time the therapist had worked on my mid-back, meaning I needed to exchange my shirt and chest binder for a hospital gown. When she entered the room again, I was embarrassed, and I wanted to explain. I wanted to say, […]
Music Therapy
I’ve been wanting to post an update for a while now, and I’m finally carving out some time to actually do it! In mid-November, my team told me that because COVID numbers are rising, they were moving Intensive Outpatient (IOP) online again. They invited me to join, and because our semester ended December 1, I […]
A brief update and a podcast
I’ve been sick and super busy with school, but I wanted to share a link to the Peace Meal podcast I was interviewed for over the summer. The episode came out last week, and you can find it at https://www.emilyprogram.com/blog/episode-36-eating-disorder-recovery-as-a-non-binary-person-with-debbie-seacrest/ if you’re interested! I want to update my blog more, but I just haven’t had […]
An update (finally!)
It’s somehow been a month since my last post—a busy month, too! My virtual Intensive Outpatient Program ended in mid-July as the center transitioned back to an in-person setting, which is 2 hours away from me. The team asked me if I’d step up to a higher level of care, because they feel I need […]
Art Therapy
Tuesday was another day of art therapy—potentially my last, in fact, for reasons that I’ll explain in another post. Thus far, I’ve stuck with mostly geometric designs or tiny drawings on a corner of a piece of paper. A peer pointed out last week that I took up a little more space than I had […]
Just One Day
My dietitian suggested that I try following a meal plan for one day. “Just one day; you can do anything for one day!” The meal plan involved three meals and five snacks—it felt excessive, even if one of the snacks was a string cheese and I was able to eat a little less at meals […]
Hunger is Hunger
“I’m doing pretty well,” I told my dietitian. “But I have a question. On Recovery Record [the app where I record what I eat so my dietitian can comment and offer suggestions], we’re supposed to record where we are on the hunger/fullness scale before and after each meal. What are we supposed to get to?” […]
Health
I went to see my Primary Care Provider today (pink eye—lucky me!), and I was pleased that the nurse remembered not to weigh me. This time, she didn’t even bring it up! When my PCP saw me, she asked if the nurse remembered to skip the scale, and I said yes. What I didn’t say […]
Conflict and Confusion
It’s midnight, and I can’t sleep. My brain, as it often does, is thinking about my weight and shape. For whatever reason, this time, I wonder whether a medication that I started six months ago could be the cause of my recent weight gain. When we were talking about medications, I told the neurologist that […]
Permission
Today in group, the dietitian gave us the opportunity to write a little bit about permission. What can we give ourselves permission to do today? What can we give ourselves permission to do in recovery? What gets in the way of giving ourselves permission? It got me thinking about how I feel so much better […]
Week Three of IOP
Just a short update: Things are starting to fall into a routine. The composition of the group has changed somewhat, and it now consists mostly of people roughly my age. I feel stronger than I have before; I can be a role model. I feel more open and vulnerable than I have before; I can […]
Day Two: Art Therapy
Day two of IOP was interesting. We had art therapy, which I’ll admit I was kind of skeptical about, though I wanted to try. I’ve had such a rocky relationship with art that I didn’t see how it could be helpful for me, someone who has never been good at it. However, I’ve seen so […]
Day One of Intensive Outpatient
A short update—I had my first day of Intensive Outpatient (IOP) today. I felt just a little out of place for being older and larger than everyone else, but people were very nice about it. The dietitian and therapist were both great, and I’m looking forward to tomorrow! I’m still struggling with recording everything I […]
Intake Appointments
A friend drove me a couple hours to a few intake appointments for Intensive Outpatient (IOP)—the program will be on Zoom, but I had to do a few things in person. My meeting with the nurse went very well, but the psychiatrist meeting was a disaster. She required a weight, even though I had just […]
Much-Needed Update
I’ve been struggling recently, but I’m reaching out to my support team. My dietitian actually suggested a higher level of care for me, and even though I’m at a higher weight than I’m comfortable with, I agree with her. The level of discomfort I feel with my body is just too much, and I’m so […]
Update: I was only partly right?
*content warning: relapse behaviors* It’s been a week since I met with my primary care provider (check out my previous post, “I was right”, for details). I had some friends reach out to me after my post, which felt really good, and it helped give me the confidence to tell my ED therapist that I […]
I was right
*content warning: relapse behaviors* Two days ago, I went to see my primary care provider, whom I really like. I felt like I had gained some weight, and I was looking for some reassurance that I was still okay. She confirmed that I had gained weight. She said that I was still healthy, but that […]
Medication
About a month ago, we added a new medication to my plan, with the goal of helping reduce the number of really low moments I have and lessening the OCD-ish tendencies I have (mostly regarding my weight). In the past, medicines have helped with a lot of things, but they haven’t really touched the eating […]
This time
For years, I denied that I had an eating disorder. I knew that other people’s perceptions of me didn’t match my own, but clearly they were the ones who were wrong. After all, I was the one with first-hand knowledge. I was just good at hiding the “truth” from others, I figured. Eventually, years later, […]
Just what I needed
“What if you saw evidence that I needed to lose weight?” I asked a close friend via a chat message. “Would you support me in losing weight then?” “I’d support you if you and your doctor both decided that’s what was best for you,” he replied. “Can I point out what I mean?” “If you’d […]
A Tangent and Some Progress
I’ve been working with a student who’s going through some health issues, including severe long-term nausea and lack of appetite. At first, I found myself feeling simultaneously concerned and full of empathy and compassion for this student, as well as a little jealous. While I know from personal experience that nausea is terrible, sometimes it […]
Hiding
A few days ago, I was in the passenger seat of a car on a long trip. My brother-in-law was driving, and I was fighting a migraine, but just conscious enough to be ashamed of how I looked. I kept my jacket balled up on my lap, even when I got too warm, in the […]
A post on coming out
I think some people believe that coming out is something that we do once and then we’re done with it. Instead, we come out to people throughout our lives. Should I correct this person who calls me “ma’am”, or let it slide? When should I give my pronouns to a new colleague? Do I explain […]
One Word
A webcomic I like recently joked about diplomas granting their recipients certain powers (see https://xkcd.com/2157/), and one of them was the power to “delete one word of their choice from the Oxford English Dictionary”. While I’m fairly certain I don’t have that power, it made me wonder what word I’d choose to delete, at least […]
Other vs Self
When I was sixteen, I watched a video that a parent had made of our camp. In the video, I saw the back of someone who was about my height, but probably about twenty pounds lighter. I instantly felt jealousy and intense shame. This person was thin, maybe a little too thin, but seeing her […]
Double binds
Today I went to an ice cream party at our kids’ school. I considered having a (“good”) snack ahead of time so I could avoid the ice cream, but I decided instead to ask for just a tiny amount. I didn’t want to set a bad example by asking for too little, but I figured […]
A few brief questions
If a friend or loved one said I should lose weight, I’m sure I’d agree and try to work towards losing weight. If a friend or loved one said I could lose weight safely (but didn’t need to), I’d still try to work towards losing weight. So why don’t I listen when they say I […]
Strengths
I was thinking about some strengths of mine, and I thought it would be good to list them here. There are (hopefully!) others, but this seems like a good start. I’m open and honest about my problems. I’m done with trying to pretend, both to myself and others, that these problems don’t exist. I seek […]
A little history, and where I am now
I’ve been seeing counselors for most of my life, but about a year ago, a friend convinced me to seek out specialized help for an eating disorder. I didn’t really feel that I needed much help—I was recovered in terms of my actions, and that’s what matters, right? I wasn’t sure if I would even […]