What’s in a name? A lot, when you choose it yourself!
I decided I liked the name Dev a long time ago. My Hebrew name began with Dev, and Dev felt somewhat masculine, but also familiar. I didn’t think about my middle name at all until someone commented that they liked how I had combined my previous first and middle names, however. That was not intentional! […]
Going Beyond “All Bodies are Good Bodies”
Fairly early in recovery, I learned that “all bodies are good bodies”. If that’s true, then since my body is part of “all bodies”, it must be good. I don’t have to analyze it or focus on it, and I can completely ignore it. It’s in the set of all bodies, so it’s good. End […]
Good things about recovering physically
Gaining weight and recovering has been SO hard. I feel like I’ve gone too far, and I think a lot of people would agree. But this seems to be what my body wants, and I’m trying to listen. I’ve ignored it for so long. I try to remember the good things: I have the endurance […]
Grappling with Thin Privilege
When I saw “thin privilege” as binary, I really struggled. If a person either has thin privilege or doesn’t, then we’re drawing this dividing line. Where do I fall? What does that mean? Realizing that there’s a spectrum has helped. I have thin privilege in some areas and not in others, and that’s true for […]
“Best Results”
I sit on the hospital bed in my gown, after they’ve finally gotten an IV in my arm. Every person I see, I specifically tell not to tell me my weight. Most of them don’t even know my weight, but I don’t understand what my weight is doing and I’m still struggling with anorexia, even […]
Rewriting the memory
I attended the first two writing webinars sponsored by NAAFA, the National Association to Advance Fat Acceptance, and I’m excited to go to the third this weekend. The most recent one was titled, “A Fat Body Sits at the Dinner Table”. We began by writing about a prompt related to actual memories, and we then […]
Being Free
I am five years old. I’m cutting out shapes in class. My first-grade teacher walks by as I cut out the circle and then the triangle. She doesn’t know what I am imagining as I do it—what I assume everyone must think. I’m freeing the shapes. Letting them be who they really are, separating them […]
Societal Expectations
Some people have very strong beliefs about gender presentation. To them, you must choose one of their two gender options to be acceptable. You must wear (and not wear) certain things to be acceptable to them, based on that gender. I actively fight that. I want to be seen as me, able to express myself […]
A joke and some thoughts on “good food” and “bad food”
You know, it seems a little tough that you need to accept cookies when you look at an eating disorder recovery website. Seriously, though, I’m working really hard on truly understanding that foods are not “good” or “bad”, that they’re not “healthy” or “unhealthy”. My dietitian has a bowl of candy on the table where […]
Finding Balance in Relationships
I’ve realized that the roles I take in many of my relationships tend to be very fixed. In some cases, that makes sense. I’m the parent to my kids, the professor to my students, the client to my therapist and dietitian, and the patient to my physical therapist. These roles have an inherent imbalance, which […]
My real biggest fear
For as long as I can remember, I’ve had some intense fears. Fears of being too big, fears of gaining weight, fears of eating too much, fears of being too much. If I break it down further, I start seeing other patterns. I’m afraid of getting bigger because I associate that with the loss of […]
Musings on People’s Acceptance of Different Eating Disorders
When I met with my psychiatrist recently, I pointed out that he had put “anorexia, unspecified type” in my chart. I clarified that I had “restricting type”. (There also exists “purging type”, where a person may eat to fulfill their body’s needs but then purges afterward. This differs from bulimia in that a person with […]
Being “Good”
More and more, I find myself identifying and then challenging disordered thoughts. I’ve been proud of how far I’ve come, and I enjoy sharing what feel like real successes. I noticed, however, that several friends of mine haven’t seemed as enthusiastic as I am. I knew they were supportive of me and of the progress […]
Boundaries
I’ve always been terrified of taking too much, asking for too much, or just being too much. This shows up in terms of restricting food intake, but it shows up in many other ways, as well. I’ve recently realized, with the help of my therapist, that my panicked reaction when people put up a boundary […]
Needing a sandwich
Several years ago, I asked a friend how I looked, in terms of my size. He responded, “you look like you need a sandwich.” I felt comforted—I figured that meant he thought I was small enough to deserve to eat. After a few months of gaining weight without knowing the medical cause, I reminded him […]
Unexpected trauma
This is the longest post I’ve written, by far, and it contains a number of disordered thoughts, both from a traumatic experience last week and from other experiences throughout my life. I do counter those thoughts and show how I’ve improved in many ways, but this is a post to read with caution (or not […]
Sitting with thoughts
I’ve been trying to be better about sitting with my emotions and thoughts. Not fighting them, not pushing them away, but just letting them be and observing them. My therapist suggested this a while back, but I didn’t really understand how to do that until recently. I’m not sure what changed, but it’s helped. The […]
Transactional Thinking
I’ve struggled for a long time with the thought that I don’t deserve things (for example, see my post from over two years ago, before this weight gain even started). How can I deserve food when I’m in such a large body? How can I deserve my friends when I never do enough for them? […]
“Gendered” characteristics, size diversity, and more
I recently spoke with my aunt and shared the blog post from the other day where I responded to that quote she posted. I mentioned that I really like being asked questions, because not only can I help others understand me better, but they often help me understand myself better. She asked something that I’ve […]
Grades
Content Warning: This post has a very brief mention of thoughts of suicide from many years ago. It was only a vague thought at the time, and it’s long gone. I’ve always been motivated by many things, including grades. I was so proud when I came home from school with As. In second grade, we […]
Disgust
I recently had the (admittedly disordered) thought that everybody must be disgusted by my body. I see this for the black-and-white thinking that it is. Even if nobody thinks my body is “good”, there’s a whole spectrum of other possibilities. Realistically, I know that most people probably have neutral opinions. I like to think that […]
Beliefs
My aunt posted something on Facebook that included the following quote, and it really made me think. “People who are healthy like to believe they can always keep being healthy if they do the right things. They don’t want to think about how good people get struck with terrible circumstances for no reason. So they […]
If You Give a Mouse a Cookie, and other runaway trains of thought
While discussing my thoughts and beliefs with my therapist, I explained some of my fears and how I see each food-related decision as potentially leading to terrible consequences. My therapist likened it to the children’s book If You Give a Mouse a Cookie, and that really felt like it fit (and not just for the […]
I’m Just Me
I recently posted about my work with the word “fat” as a label. I was trying to decide if I could apply it to myself, and I realized something today in therapy that made a lot of sense to me. With gender, I’ve said for a long time that I’m not a man and I’m […]
Reclaiming “Fat”
For so long, “fat” has been a word I’ve omitted from my vocabulary—a word only said to myself, about myself, in moments of great distress. I’ve heard it hurled at others, and even myself to a small extent as a young kid, as a terrible insult. As I’ve read more and learned more, however, I’m […]
Finding the root of a fear
Last night, I was having a nice chat with a good friend. Eventually, he said he had to go and to have a good night. I did what anyone would do—said good night as well and then battled the panic that rose up in me. I was trying to decide why I react so strongly […]
Art Therapy
Tuesday was another day of art therapy—potentially my last, in fact, for reasons that I’ll explain in another post. Thus far, I’ve stuck with mostly geometric designs or tiny drawings on a corner of a piece of paper. A peer pointed out last week that I took up a little more space than I had […]
Power and Vulnerability
If I am powerful, people will be inspired by my example. If I am vulnerable, people will be inspired by my thoughts and feelings. If I am powerful, people will be afraid of their own vulnerability. If I am vulnerable, people will feel comfortable being vulnerable with me. If I am powerful, people will give […]
Permission
Today in group, the dietitian gave us the opportunity to write a little bit about permission. What can we give ourselves permission to do today? What can we give ourselves permission to do in recovery? What gets in the way of giving ourselves permission? It got me thinking about how I feel so much better […]
I am more
I must be the small one in my relationships. I am afraid to grow. I am weak, and I let that be known. People will be more careful if they realize how fragile I am. I will be included if I don’t take up as much space. I will know people care if they take […]
Who am I?
I actually started this a few days ago, and we were then given the same prompt I had started writing about in Art Therapy. I think I’m still trying to convince myself of this last part… but I am trying. I am a mature professor who tries to be a role model for their students. […]
Day Two: Art Therapy
Day two of IOP was interesting. We had art therapy, which I’ll admit I was kind of skeptical about, though I wanted to try. I’ve had such a rocky relationship with art that I didn’t see how it could be helpful for me, someone who has never been good at it. However, I’ve seen so […]
I am
I am an infant, forming my first memory. My father puts me down gently in my crib. I am loved. I am three years old, grabbing my parents’ hands and asking them to swing me onto the sidewalk. They reply that I’m too big for that now. I am devastated. I am six, and I’m […]
Thought Experiment
A friend suggested a writing idea, and I decided to explore it. I didn’t take it in the exact direction I think he expected, but it was interesting to write. It’s not a perfect analogy, but it works in a lot of ways. — There once was someone named Dev who was so afraid of […]
Asking for help
I’ve realized I have a number of ways that I ask for help. Sometimes, I’m very straightforward: “Hey, I’m feeling really depressed right now. Can you please listen to me/talk to me/hold me/let me cry on your shoulder/make me laugh?” Other times, I’m less clear. It might be a text message asking a friend, “Hey—you […]
Limits
I think that without consciously thinking about it, I’ve felt like everyone has a weight limit for me, albeit not one that they themselves have thought about. If I were to hit or exceed that limit, which would vary depending on the person, they would start to like me less or think I’m “bad”. Even […]
Diagnosis
I feel like I have a ‘confession’ to make. I’ve been telling people that I used to be anorexic, but I say that based on my own knowledge of myself and the diagnostic criteria– I never formally had a doctor make the diagnosis. I know that I met all of the criteria in the diagnostic […]
Convincing
“I need to exercise to work on some of this,” says a somewhat overweight friend, grabbing at his middle. Immediately, my insides twist and I feel ashamed. Doesn’t he know that I have the same problem? Isn’t he trying to tell me that it’s good to lose weight; that I should lose weight? Doesn’t he […]
Different types of failure
I’ve definitely noticed that I tend to be more upset when I fail at something I’m supposed to be good at. If my 4-year-old asks me to draw something for her and I do a terrible job, it’s not such a big deal—I never claimed to be an artist! If I can’t see something from […]
The Truth
What would happen if people knew “the truth”? If they knew, like I do, that I am too big and that I eat too much? Part of me still thinks that they’d hate me. I still so vividly remember telling myself telling myself that my third-grade teacher would hate me if she knew how much […]
Reasons
Reasons to lose weight: I would be thinner. That’s technically true, but it’s basically circular reasoning. I would look less feminine. This one’s harder to refute, but I want to look strong and not just thin. I would be lighter. True, but how often does that matter? I’d like myself more. Would I really? My […]
Deserving
Q: When do I deserve food? A: Anytime, as long as enough of the following conditions are met: I’m really hungry I might get a migraine if I don’t have it I’m light-headed I’ve exercised enough I need it to get through some exercise I can’t get (back) to sleep without it Other people are […]
Pronouns
Pronouns, as many of you know, are what enable us to avoid sentences like, “Alice left Alice’s gloves in Alice’s office, so Alice left to go get Alice’s gloves.” Instead, we can say, “Alice left her gloves in her office, so she left to go get them.” Many of us learned that people use either […]
Things I would never say to anyone else
You don’t deserve to eat that. You don’t deserve to eat at all. You ate too much; you need to make up for it. You ate too much; you need to punish yourself for it. Your hunger isn’t valid; it isn’t real. If you ignore your hunger, it’ll probably go away. If you’re hungry, it […]
Thanks
Originally, I thought about writing a post where I apologize to people I’ve hurt with eating disordered behaviors. Rather than framing it that way, however, I’ve decided to instead thank people for what they’ve done for me. The support that they’ve given me, the hours of patient listening, the reassurances that they’ve given me (despite […]
Bridge
Note: This is something I wrote in April 2019. In it, I use some quotes from others to help me make progress when I feel stuck or lost on this journey to recovery from my ED. I see a vast chasm in front of me, and looking down reveals no bottom, no place to land […]
Gender Memories
I remember lining up in two lines in elementary school—one for girls, and one for boys. Even then, I wondered why we did that. It wasn’t fair that I never got to line up with my friends, who were invariably boys. I also was upset that I couldn’t join the Boy Scouts with my friends. […]
Evolution of an Eating Disorder
When I was three, my parents said I was “too big” for something. That’s the first time I remember having a sense of my body, and the first time I remember feeling fat. Messages from adults shouted the importance of being thin, and I was precocious and picked up on things well before people thought […]