A new experience
Last week, my daughter was struggling with some big emotions. I brought out two long strings of large packing air cushions, one of her favorite ways to get her anger out, and we threw them at each other. She stole mine and popped them, taunting me with her long string of them while I pretended […]
Going Beyond “All Bodies are Good Bodies”
Fairly early in recovery, I learned that “all bodies are good bodies”. If that’s true, then since my body is part of “all bodies”, it must be good. I don’t have to analyze it or focus on it, and I can completely ignore it. It’s in the set of all bodies, so it’s good. End […]
Clothes
“Maybe you can eventually find clothes that fit and feel comfortable,” my new dietitian says. “Clothes that feel gender-affirming and body-affirming, and that you don’t have to hide in. Maybe you can find clothes that make you feel like you.” Clothes that make me feel good about my appearance? I don’t see how that’s possible. […]
A shift in perspective
My dietitian is really great—not only has she worked on food with me, but she’s also helped me to find disordered thinking, work through body image issues, and so much more. The other day, she suggested that it might be time to be more aware of my body. I’ve blocked my body out for a […]
Unexpected trauma
This is the longest post I’ve written, by far, and it contains a number of disordered thoughts, both from a traumatic experience last week and from other experiences throughout my life. I do counter those thoughts and show how I’ve improved in many ways, but this is a post to read with caution (or not […]
“Gendered” characteristics, size diversity, and more
I recently spoke with my aunt and shared the blog post from the other day where I responded to that quote she posted. I mentioned that I really like being asked questions, because not only can I help others understand me better, but they often help me understand myself better. She asked something that I’ve […]
Grades
Content Warning: This post has a very brief mention of thoughts of suicide from many years ago. It was only a vague thought at the time, and it’s long gone. I’ve always been motivated by many things, including grades. I was so proud when I came home from school with As. In second grade, we […]
Disgust
I recently had the (admittedly disordered) thought that everybody must be disgusted by my body. I see this for the black-and-white thinking that it is. Even if nobody thinks my body is “good”, there’s a whole spectrum of other possibilities. Realistically, I know that most people probably have neutral opinions. I like to think that […]
Giving up hope
“I haven’t known anyone who has fully embraced recovery while still hoping they’ll lose weight,” my dietitian said. It really struck me, because while I’m trying to accept this body I have right now, I do still want to lose weight—I want it so much. Along the same lines, I’m terrified of gaining even more […]
Apologies
Yesterday, I went to physical therapy for my back and neck. This was the first time the therapist had worked on my mid-back, meaning I needed to exchange my shirt and chest binder for a hospital gown. When she entered the room again, I was embarrassed, and I wanted to explain. I wanted to say, […]