Good things about recovering physically
Gaining weight and recovering has been SO hard. I feel like I’ve gone too far, and I think a lot of people would agree. But this seems to be what my body wants, and I’m trying to listen. I’ve ignored it for so long. I try to remember the good things: I have the endurance […]
Being Proud of Not Noticing Something
Content Warning: Mention of Specific Foods I had an unplanned lunch with my friend yesterday— his house is about a 3-minute walk from my office. We talked and then thought about lunch. He had a yogurt I could have, and I asked what he wanted. He said nothing at first, but I gently pushed and […]
Finding Balance in Relationships
I’ve realized that the roles I take in many of my relationships tend to be very fixed. In some cases, that makes sense. I’m the parent to my kids, the professor to my students, the client to my therapist and dietitian, and the patient to my physical therapist. These roles have an inherent imbalance, which […]
Would you still love me?
My weight has started shooting up again, and I’m trying to hang in there until I see the endocrinologist in a week and a half. It’s been hard in a lot of ways, and it’s brought up some stuff. I’ve sometimes asked people I love, both friends and family, if they would still love me […]
Musings on People’s Acceptance of Different Eating Disorders
When I met with my psychiatrist recently, I pointed out that he had put “anorexia, unspecified type” in my chart. I clarified that I had “restricting type”. (There also exists “purging type”, where a person may eat to fulfill their body’s needs but then purges afterward. This differs from bulimia in that a person with […]
Being “Good”
More and more, I find myself identifying and then challenging disordered thoughts. I’ve been proud of how far I’ve come, and I enjoy sharing what feel like real successes. I noticed, however, that several friends of mine haven’t seemed as enthusiastic as I am. I knew they were supportive of me and of the progress […]
Boundaries
I’ve always been terrified of taking too much, asking for too much, or just being too much. This shows up in terms of restricting food intake, but it shows up in many other ways, as well. I’ve recently realized, with the help of my therapist, that my panicked reaction when people put up a boundary […]
Needing a sandwich
Several years ago, I asked a friend how I looked, in terms of my size. He responded, “you look like you need a sandwich.” I felt comforted—I figured that meant he thought I was small enough to deserve to eat. After a few months of gaining weight without knowing the medical cause, I reminded him […]
A shift in perspective
My dietitian is really great—not only has she worked on food with me, but she’s also helped me to find disordered thinking, work through body image issues, and so much more. The other day, she suggested that it might be time to be more aware of my body. I’ve blocked my body out for a […]
Being “safe”
Things have been tough lately, and I’ve been skipping a lot of activities I enjoy, including updates on here. After the assessments last month, we decided that it made the most sense to continue treatment here, with my amazing outpatient team. Both programs suggested intensive outpatient in-person, so I’d go to some state far away […]
Going beyond just countering the disordered thoughts
Content warning: Disordered thoughts, which are eventually resolved Some thoughts from my RecoveryRecord app, which I record my food and my feelings about food in. This starts out not so great, but it ends up good! 8:30 PM I should have a snack, but I’m tired. I am a bit hungry and liking the feeling, […]
Higher Level of Care?
Content Warning: Disordered thoughts, talk of weight changes (no numbers) My dietitian brought up the idea of a higher level of care a couple weeks ago. I pointed out that some of my recent trouble was medication-related, but she said that even my baseline thoughts from before then warranted a higher level of care. At […]
Concerns
We saw my side of the family earlier in the summer, so we wanted to take a trip out to see my spouse’s side of the family. With my health issues, I wasn’t sure I’d be able to make it, but my spouse was pretty set on the idea, and I thought I’d be okay […]
Comments from another doctor
On Monday, I went to the walk-in clinic. My primary care provider was out of the office for several days, and I needed to be seen. I saw a doctor whom I knew somewhat. While my anorexia (in partial remission) diagnosis is listed in my list of current conditions, I have a lot of conditions, […]
Unexpected trauma
This is the longest post I’ve written, by far, and it contains a number of disordered thoughts, both from a traumatic experience last week and from other experiences throughout my life. I do counter those thoughts and show how I’ve improved in many ways, but this is a post to read with caution (or not […]
Transactional Thinking
I’ve struggled for a long time with the thought that I don’t deserve things (for example, see my post from over two years ago, before this weight gain even started). How can I deserve food when I’m in such a large body? How can I deserve my friends when I never do enough for them? […]
“Gendered” characteristics, size diversity, and more
I recently spoke with my aunt and shared the blog post from the other day where I responded to that quote she posted. I mentioned that I really like being asked questions, because not only can I help others understand me better, but they often help me understand myself better. She asked something that I’ve […]
Grades
Content Warning: This post has a very brief mention of thoughts of suicide from many years ago. It was only a vague thought at the time, and it’s long gone. I’ve always been motivated by many things, including grades. I was so proud when I came home from school with As. In second grade, we […]
Disgust
I recently had the (admittedly disordered) thought that everybody must be disgusted by my body. I see this for the black-and-white thinking that it is. Even if nobody thinks my body is “good”, there’s a whole spectrum of other possibilities. Realistically, I know that most people probably have neutral opinions. I like to think that […]
Beliefs
My aunt posted something on Facebook that included the following quote, and it really made me think. “People who are healthy like to believe they can always keep being healthy if they do the right things. They don’t want to think about how good people get struck with terrible circumstances for no reason. So they […]
Top Surgery Report
I had my top surgery last Thursday, and I’m feeling really good about it. Even though I asked for some anti-nausea meds, I had a surprising amount of nausea. After giving me four different meds, they finally gave up and just let me vomit for several hours, so that was fun. I also had an […]
Mixed Emotions
This is a very long post—so much has happened and so much is happening! I recently went in to have some bloodwork done, and I was extremely nervous. In February, my primary care provider suggested that I start a lose dose of Metformin, thinking that perhaps that would help my body better process food so […]
Update and Excitement about Top Surgery
It’s been a while since I’ve updated—I’ve had a really awful string of migraines and bad headaches that’s lasted about 6 weeks now. I’ve reached out to my Mayo Clinic neurologist and I’m hoping she’ll have some ideas. In the meantime, I’m still struggling, but I’m really excited about my upcoming top surgery! My consult […]
Explanations
With this extreme weight gain that’s happened over the past year, I find myself wanting to explain myself. I want to point out that it’s most likely medication-related, and that we finally (after a year!) figured out the medication (we think) and I’m off it. It’ll take months for my body chemistry to get back […]
If You Give a Mouse a Cookie, and other runaway trains of thought
While discussing my thoughts and beliefs with my therapist, I explained some of my fears and how I see each food-related decision as potentially leading to terrible consequences. My therapist likened it to the children’s book If You Give a Mouse a Cookie, and that really felt like it fit (and not just for the […]
I’m Just Me
I recently posted about my work with the word “fat” as a label. I was trying to decide if I could apply it to myself, and I realized something today in therapy that made a lot of sense to me. With gender, I’ve said for a long time that I’m not a man and I’m […]
I Won’t Miss Out on Life
The past year has been a mystery, as we’ve tried to determine what was causing my weight gain. Despite having no major changes in eating or exercise, my weight went up very significantly this past year. For someone who is still struggling with anorexia, this was incredibly hard to deal with. This is the main […]
Reclaiming “Fat”
For so long, “fat” has been a word I’ve omitted from my vocabulary—a word only said to myself, about myself, in moments of great distress. I’ve heard it hurled at others, and even myself to a small extent as a young kid, as a terrible insult. As I’ve read more and learned more, however, I’m […]
Top Surgery and a Struggle
I’ve wanted top surgery for a long time, but with the recent (medication-induced??) weight gain, it’s become even more critical. I managed to get support from my spouse, and I have a consult with a surgeon scheduled in mid-April. I’m extremely excited, and I get a smile on my face just thinking about it. I […]
What I want to tell my FORMER dietitian, A
Several months ago, my dietitian whom I loved working with, L, decided to start her own private practice. I planned to move with her, but I was told that I could not continue to work with both my therapist and my dietitian whom I liked so much. I felt torn, as I loved working with […]
Giving up hope
“I haven’t known anyone who has fully embraced recovery while still hoping they’ll lose weight,” my dietitian said. It really struck me, because while I’m trying to accept this body I have right now, I do still want to lose weight—I want it so much. Along the same lines, I’m terrified of gaining even more […]
Music Therapy
I’ve been wanting to post an update for a while now, and I’m finally carving out some time to actually do it! In mid-November, my team told me that because COVID numbers are rising, they were moving Intensive Outpatient (IOP) online again. They invited me to join, and because our semester ended December 1, I […]
A brief update and a podcast
I’ve been sick and super busy with school, but I wanted to share a link to the Peace Meal podcast I was interviewed for over the summer. The episode came out last week, and you can find it at https://www.emilyprogram.com/blog/episode-36-eating-disorder-recovery-as-a-non-binary-person-with-debbie-seacrest/ if you’re interested! I want to update my blog more, but I just haven’t had […]
An update (finally!)
It’s somehow been a month since my last post—a busy month, too! My virtual Intensive Outpatient Program ended in mid-July as the center transitioned back to an in-person setting, which is 2 hours away from me. The team asked me if I’d step up to a higher level of care, because they feel I need […]
Art Therapy
Tuesday was another day of art therapy—potentially my last, in fact, for reasons that I’ll explain in another post. Thus far, I’ve stuck with mostly geometric designs or tiny drawings on a corner of a piece of paper. A peer pointed out last week that I took up a little more space than I had […]
Just One Day
My dietitian suggested that I try following a meal plan for one day. “Just one day; you can do anything for one day!” The meal plan involved three meals and five snacks—it felt excessive, even if one of the snacks was a string cheese and I was able to eat a little less at meals […]
Hunger is Hunger
“I’m doing pretty well,” I told my dietitian. “But I have a question. On Recovery Record [the app where I record what I eat so my dietitian can comment and offer suggestions], we’re supposed to record where we are on the hunger/fullness scale before and after each meal. What are we supposed to get to?” […]
Conflict and Confusion
It’s midnight, and I can’t sleep. My brain, as it often does, is thinking about my weight and shape. For whatever reason, this time, I wonder whether a medication that I started six months ago could be the cause of my recent weight gain. When we were talking about medications, I told the neurologist that […]
Permission
Today in group, the dietitian gave us the opportunity to write a little bit about permission. What can we give ourselves permission to do today? What can we give ourselves permission to do in recovery? What gets in the way of giving ourselves permission? It got me thinking about how I feel so much better […]
Who am I?
I actually started this a few days ago, and we were then given the same prompt I had started writing about in Art Therapy. I think I’m still trying to convince myself of this last part… but I am trying. I am a mature professor who tries to be a role model for their students. […]
Day Two: Art Therapy
Day two of IOP was interesting. We had art therapy, which I’ll admit I was kind of skeptical about, though I wanted to try. I’ve had such a rocky relationship with art that I didn’t see how it could be helpful for me, someone who has never been good at it. However, I’ve seen so […]
Day One of Intensive Outpatient
A short update—I had my first day of Intensive Outpatient (IOP) today. I felt just a little out of place for being older and larger than everyone else, but people were very nice about it. The dietitian and therapist were both great, and I’m looking forward to tomorrow! I’m still struggling with recording everything I […]
Intake Appointments
A friend drove me a couple hours to a few intake appointments for Intensive Outpatient (IOP)—the program will be on Zoom, but I had to do a few things in person. My meeting with the nurse went very well, but the psychiatrist meeting was a disaster. She required a weight, even though I had just […]
I am
I am an infant, forming my first memory. My father puts me down gently in my crib. I am loved. I am three years old, grabbing my parents’ hands and asking them to swing me onto the sidewalk. They reply that I’m too big for that now. I am devastated. I am six, and I’m […]
Update: I was only partly right?
*content warning: relapse behaviors* It’s been a week since I met with my primary care provider (check out my previous post, “I was right”, for details). I had some friends reach out to me after my post, which felt really good, and it helped give me the confidence to tell my ED therapist that I […]
I was right
*content warning: relapse behaviors* Two days ago, I went to see my primary care provider, whom I really like. I felt like I had gained some weight, and I was looking for some reassurance that I was still okay. She confirmed that I had gained weight. She said that I was still healthy, but that […]
Medication
About a month ago, we added a new medication to my plan, with the goal of helping reduce the number of really low moments I have and lessening the OCD-ish tendencies I have (mostly regarding my weight). In the past, medicines have helped with a lot of things, but they haven’t really touched the eating […]
This time
For years, I denied that I had an eating disorder. I knew that other people’s perceptions of me didn’t match my own, but clearly they were the ones who were wrong. After all, I was the one with first-hand knowledge. I was just good at hiding the “truth” from others, I figured. Eventually, years later, […]
Just what I needed
“What if you saw evidence that I needed to lose weight?” I asked a close friend via a chat message. “Would you support me in losing weight then?” “I’d support you if you and your doctor both decided that’s what was best for you,” he replied. “Can I point out what I mean?” “If you’d […]
A Tangent and Some Progress
I’ve been working with a student who’s going through some health issues, including severe long-term nausea and lack of appetite. At first, I found myself feeling simultaneously concerned and full of empathy and compassion for this student, as well as a little jealous. While I know from personal experience that nausea is terrible, sometimes it […]
Limits
I think that without consciously thinking about it, I’ve felt like everyone has a weight limit for me, albeit not one that they themselves have thought about. If I were to hit or exceed that limit, which would vary depending on the person, they would start to like me less or think I’m “bad”. Even […]
Diagnosis
I feel like I have a ‘confession’ to make. I’ve been telling people that I used to be anorexic, but I say that based on my own knowledge of myself and the diagnostic criteria– I never formally had a doctor make the diagnosis. I know that I met all of the criteria in the diagnostic […]
Hiding
A few days ago, I was in the passenger seat of a car on a long trip. My brother-in-law was driving, and I was fighting a migraine, but just conscious enough to be ashamed of how I looked. I kept my jacket balled up on my lap, even when I got too warm, in the […]
Convincing
“I need to exercise to work on some of this,” says a somewhat overweight friend, grabbing at his middle. Immediately, my insides twist and I feel ashamed. Doesn’t he know that I have the same problem? Isn’t he trying to tell me that it’s good to lose weight; that I should lose weight? Doesn’t he […]
Different types of failure
I’ve definitely noticed that I tend to be more upset when I fail at something I’m supposed to be good at. If my 4-year-old asks me to draw something for her and I do a terrible job, it’s not such a big deal—I never claimed to be an artist! If I can’t see something from […]
Reasons
Reasons to lose weight: I would be thinner. That’s technically true, but it’s basically circular reasoning. I would look less feminine. This one’s harder to refute, but I want to look strong and not just thin. I would be lighter. True, but how often does that matter? I’d like myself more. Would I really? My […]
Other vs Self
When I was sixteen, I watched a video that a parent had made of our camp. In the video, I saw the back of someone who was about my height, but probably about twenty pounds lighter. I instantly felt jealousy and intense shame. This person was thin, maybe a little too thin, but seeing her […]
Deserving
Q: When do I deserve food? A: Anytime, as long as enough of the following conditions are met: I’m really hungry I might get a migraine if I don’t have it I’m light-headed I’ve exercised enough I need it to get through some exercise I can’t get (back) to sleep without it Other people are […]
Double binds
Today I went to an ice cream party at our kids’ school. I considered having a (“good”) snack ahead of time so I could avoid the ice cream, but I decided instead to ask for just a tiny amount. I didn’t want to set a bad example by asking for too little, but I figured […]
A few brief questions
If a friend or loved one said I should lose weight, I’m sure I’d agree and try to work towards losing weight. If a friend or loved one said I could lose weight safely (but didn’t need to), I’d still try to work towards losing weight. So why don’t I listen when they say I […]
Things I would never say to anyone else
You don’t deserve to eat that. You don’t deserve to eat at all. You ate too much; you need to make up for it. You ate too much; you need to punish yourself for it. Your hunger isn’t valid; it isn’t real. If you ignore your hunger, it’ll probably go away. If you’re hungry, it […]
Bridge
Note: This is something I wrote in April 2019. In it, I use some quotes from others to help me make progress when I feel stuck or lost on this journey to recovery from my ED. I see a vast chasm in front of me, and looking down reveals no bottom, no place to land […]
A little history, and where I am now
I’ve been seeing counselors for most of my life, but about a year ago, a friend convinced me to seek out specialized help for an eating disorder. I didn’t really feel that I needed much help—I was recovered in terms of my actions, and that’s what matters, right? I wasn’t sure if I would even […]